So I don't normally write on this, mostly because my wife pretty much says it all in her posts. And I usually don't have much more to add that isn't just a repeat of what Kris says. But recent events made me want to write a little as well.
I will refer to Kris' last post concerning the details of our heartbreaking situation of having a birth mom back out on the adoption after the child was born. That was not a fun time. As hard as that was, the aftermath is a different beast altogether.
Now that the situation is all over, I struggle with a whole new set of issues. How can I support my family during this time of mourning? I'm not asking for advice, or input, rather just saying what question I ask myself. I know what the answer is. The problem is not having the answer. The problem is that I don't like the answer because I don't "feel" like it is enough. The problem is that it takes control away from me. The simple matter of fact is that I can't do anything to make this time easier. I can't do anything to make it hurt less. I can't do anything to grow our family. All that can be done by me, has been done, and the situation still feels lacking.
It makes me wonder, not only as an anxious wannabe father, but also as a pastor, about how I don't like not being in control. I don't like not being able to "fix" the situation. I think that is partly a guy trait, but something we all feel. Usually though, that is comforting to me. Usually it is nice and peaceful to think that I do all that I can, and God's takes care of the hard part, the truly important part, the messy part. As a pastor I have the opportunity to speak to people in times of mourning and loss, but it's not too often (thank God) that I get to be that person. I just take it day by day, trusting in the grace of God to get me and my family through. I know that. I talk about that. I preach that. And there is more to it than that. But if I'm honest, I don't always like having to experience "that."
I am reminded, thanks to my wonderful wife, what we pray in the Lord's Prayer, and in particular the Fourth Petition, "Give us this day our daily bread." Martin Luther gives a good, and clear, explanation of what is meant by daily bread (and one that confirmands always dread memorizing because of its length). "Daily bread includes everything that has to do with the support and needs of the body, such as food, drink, clothing, shoes, house, home, land, animals, money, goods, a devout husband or wife, devout children, devout workers, devout and faithful rulers, good government, good weather, peace, health, self-control, good reputation, good friends, faithful neighbors, and the like." God provides. Like a child, I'm not always happy with what I get and/or don't get. But God provides what I need for this day, and daily. So, I guess that is where I am left at this moment. Praying this prayer, mourning, and left with nowhere else to look but Jesus, the giver of all good gifts.
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Journey
So, I haven't posted in a long time. The waiting process is pretty boring. Once we received a call wondering if we are fine if the agency shows our book to a mother of a 9 month old and another time we received an email asking if our book can be shown to a mother who lives in Oregon that wants 4 visits a year. Both times we said yes and held our breath for a while and when nothing we happened we looked at each other and just said, "Well, that wasn't our baby and we know that God has one for us".
Well, a week ago yesterday Ross and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I got back from California the day before. Austin, our oldest nephew, stayed 2 and half weeks with us. It was a blast, but tiring. When Ross gave me my anniversary gift of a 2 night stay in a cabin, I welcomed it. A break is what I was so excited about. Not just any break, a break with my husband.
Thursday, July 11 (our anniversary) I woke up still exhausted. The past month had been very busy with company and travel. There seemed to have no break, but it was tons of fun. So, I laid around the house until I had to pack and get ready for our trip to the cabin. Ross and I love riding bikes, so we loaded up the bikes in the truck and packed the truck full of our belongings. As soon as we got in the truck Ross told me that he had just found out that there was no cell or internet service at the cabin. Normally that would be a welcomed bonus, but being on the adoption waiting list that instantly became a stress. I hurried and got on my phone and sent an email to our social worker and to my mom. I had to figure out a way that we could be reached. I sent the address to my mom and sister. I gave our SW (social worker) a phone number to call and they would be able to find us. Still a little stressed we continued on our way. A little down the road from our house we discovered that we forgot to bring games. So, we turned around and got games at our house. (In the time line of events this is one of those unplanned things that added to our "This is suppose to happen" excitement). We continued on our merry way to Costco to fill up with gas and get movie tickets for our movie date with Natalie (our 13 year old "adopted" daughter who has wonderful parents and family, but is the middle child and would prefer to be the only child and the center of the world, so she considers herself our test dummy) on Sunday. Then we spent time in Barnes and Nobles because my parents got me addicted to a new game and I had to get it to play it with Ross. Afterward, we started to head off to dinner, but it was really early. I wasn't hungry yet, so I asked if it would be fine to go into Hobby Lobby to pick up items for the baby shower I am hosting on the 27th. So we did. Ross was getting grouchy, and me being a little stressed about no cell service and tired from all the travel, I took it personal. He gets a little short tempered any time money is being spent and I like to spend money. Ross tells me that he skipped lunch and is just really hungry. We make our purchases and get into the truck. Taking everything personal gets me upset with Ross and we have a "discussion" in the truck for a bit before heading off to dinner. Mind you it isn't even 5:00. We get to dinner and have a lovely dinner. Ross starts to feel better. I think it helps because we had a gift card for the place that he took me for dinner and he only had to spend a nominal amount out of pocket. I am not implying that Ross is a penny pincher. Ok, I am. Since our anniversary is on 7/11 it is a must to get a free slurpee (we have yet to have one on our anniversary). So we begin to drive to find a 7/11. Neither one of us is hungry for one, but it is the idea of a free slurpee that drives us to try and find one. If you know me, I LOVE free. I always have. Free is almost an obsession with me. It can be the worst item, but if it is free than I have to have it. We drive 5 mins and then realize that the closest 7-11 is 10 miles our of the way. we decide that it isn't worth it and we just want to get to the cabin.
We continue to the cabin. On our way we lose cell service and then make it to the tiny town of Horseshoe Bend where we get cell service and my phone rings. It is the adoption agency. I answer the phone and it is our SW. Ross pulls over to the side of the rode and I put the phone on speaker phone. She tells us that we have been chosen and the birth mom is due on the 16th (I thought she said 15th, so I told everyone 15th, but discovered later that I was wrong). She repeats it again... "this isn't picked to meet, so she can make her final decision. It is "you are chosen. You have been matched. You have a baby coming soon." She gives us the info to make sure we are ok with the mother's requests- 3-4 mailings from us a year, 1-2 visits a year, and that she is able to send gifts. We say of course and want to scream "whatever she wants is fine with us. We will do whatever". When you are unable to have biological children and want to grow your family so badly you almost will do anything to get a child. On a small scale it is like a child in a candy or toy store. The find something they want and make all sorts of promises if you get it for them. The biggest difference is that this is life we are talking about and adults who make a promise and no matter how much it inconveniences their life it doesn't matter and they will make the sacrifice. We continue to talk to our SW and plan to call her the following day and tell her that we will call the birth mom at 3:00 on Saturday. During our conversation we found out the the BM (birth mom) lives about 6 hours away from us and planned on delivering 5 hours away from us... Ok- 5 hours and 9 mins according to google maps. Not that I had it memorized. After ugly crying and calling our parents and siblings we headed to the cabin. The whole way checking to see if there is cell service. Minutes after Horseshoe Bend we lost cell service. The little town before the cabin had very little cell service, but enough to be able to call our SW the following day.
The cabin was so nice and peaceful. The wonderful owners had champagne waiting for us and a card. We had more than just our anniversary to celebrate- our family was growing! We sat on the couch talking full of smiles. Since the gender was unknown we made lists of names. I am a list maker, so we continued to make lists. Lists of what we needed to buy, who we needed to call, etc. Then we played our game and watched a movie. Before we knew it, it was 12:00am and we went to bed.
I woke up early. I laid in bed and tried to read. How could I focus on anything but the baby? So, I got out of bed, turned on the tv, and made more lists. I might have list issues. HAHA. On the Today Show they were talking about labor and delivery. How long does a mother go over her due date before she is induced. All that information that I thought I needed to know. I look at my calendar and realize that the 16th is only days away and we are out of cell phone range and do not have internet. I begin to stress and tell Ross that I think we should go home. He asks if I would be ok with getting a bike ride or hike in or if we should just get going. I don't answer, which gives him his answer and after he eats breakfast the car is quickly packed and we head down the mountain to Babies R Us. With the help of my sister Kim on the internet looking up ratings and reviews we pick out the perfect car seat and stroller. Ross cringes, but with a smile at the cost and we head home. When we get home we don't waste time unpacking. I hurry and get out all of the baby items that people have given us that we had hidden away. Go through the clothes to find newborn clothes. We call a few people. Ross has to make arrangements for the backup Pastor to go to National Synodical Convention because Ross was the delegate. He was so excited to go, but this was way more important. We talk to our SW and she tells us that the SW in eastern Idaho said that this is the ideal BM. That she is confident in this adoption. Our SW helps calms our nerves about the call we are going to make to the BM the next day and tells us to call her after we are done with the call.
The next day Shandee, Natalie, and I go shopping. My mom and both sisters put some money together so we can get the necessities. I am calm, but my brain is in a fog. Items are thrown into the cart and bought. We go from store to store trying to get the perfect items for baby Shaver. We find take home baby outfits and towels and blankets and and and.... When we get home I quickly get everything in the wash. We call the BM and she doesn't answer, but we were warned that she might not answer. So we call her back at 4 and she answers. We had a great conversation. We felt connected. We felt confident. Something we didn't think we would feel. So, we tell family and friends and prepare to tell the church the next day. We threatened everyone enough that no one put it on facebook- well, dad's message was only up for minutes.
Church on Sunday went off beautifully. Natalie's real mom and sister were there to support us as we told the church. We were really grateful. At the end of church during announcements Linda presented us with the check from the Chili cook-off and then we shocked the whole congregation by telling them our news. We were getting a baby. After church everyone hugged us and cried with me. So much joy. Prayers had been answered and everyone was happy. People were already planning showers and excitement took over all of us.
We spent the rest of the day with what has been come to be known as our crazy family- Ross, me, Shandee, and of course, Natalie. We went out to lunch and then the movies. Ross and I stayed up late. Too excited to sleep. I got the rest of my stuff packed. The baby's bags were packed and Ross was packed.
Monday came and my friend Amanda came and got me to do a little more shopping and enjoy a nice lunch at Olive Garden. At lunch I decided to text the BM to just say hi and we are praying for her. She responded right away. I didn't want to bombard her with text messages, so I didn't reply until after we talked to our SW and she encouraged me to keep the dialog open. Remember earlier on when we talked to our SW on Friday and she told us to call her after talk to the BM the next day? I forgot to mention earlier that we called and left a message with her. We asked her to call us back later that night of the next day. Well, Sunday night we still had not heard from her and we started to call her around 7 but had received a text from her that said "Sorry I didn't get your call, my phone was at home all day"- this was talking about the day before. What if I had been a distressed BM? First negative in whole slew of lack of support that is to come. Anyway, for hours on Monday night BM and I sent text messages back and forth. Getting to know each other and building up our relationship. Still filled with excitement Ross and I decided to head up for bed. We got all ready and laid in bed for a moment before receiving the message that we had been waiting for. It was time. She was in labor and there was no time to get to the Rexburg, ID hospital. This baby was coming and she had to go to the community hospital. Ross and I were in the car in 15 mins. I should mention that our car was packed and had a full tank of gas with the car seat correctly installed thanks to Ross. While I was out with my friend he was getting things ready for us at home.
When I got in the car I called out SW. I of course woke her up because it was after midnight. I told her that we were headed to Driggs, ID because BM is in labor and baby is coming. She asked if eastern Idaho SW knew that baby was coming and I said I don't know, but someone needs to be there with the BM and we aren't going to make it in time. Her reply- "ok I will text ____" My thought... text? Seriously? Text? I didn't say anything but ok. She said to be safe. Ross and I are on the road calling and texting family to let them know it is go time. We went from a 5hour 9min drive to a 6hour 13min drive. The first part is full of excitement and the unknown. I was so worried the BM was alone. I was worried to death for her. As the drive went on we received sporadic text massages. I messaged our SW asking if she had heard from the other SW. The only communication we had was from the BM. We finally got a message saying its a girl. Something happened to me at that moment. It was like I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't want to believe it. The messages from BM were short. I told myself that it was because she was tired and now occupied.
We kept driving and then received a message from BM saying that they were moving her to Idaho Falls, ID because the Driggs hospital wasn't equipped for labor and delivery. Our drive was less now. That cut an hour off of our drive. We made it to the hospital. We beat her to the hospital, so we decided to find a place open at 5am to get flowers to give to the BM. Thank goodness for Walmart. We went back to the hospital and she still wasn't there. We sat in the waiting room. Both exhausted. Finally we she arrived and wanted us in the room. When we got in the room there was no SW. No SW had contacted us or her. BM was nursing baby. The agency had said that was normal so I kept reminding myself that it was normal. BM asked if we had a name. We told her our girl name. I asked if she liked it and she said yes. We sat staring. Tears coming down my face and my heart dropping. I knew and didn't want to know. She asked if I wanted to burp her. I held her in my arms. I rubbed her back and held the baby that was suppose to be ours. I did everything in my power to make sure the BM was comfortable. I made sure she had everything she needed. I jumped if she moved. She was giving us the greatest gift ever and I wanted to take care of her. I am a nurturer any way, so I wanted to make her comfortable.
The SW finally came after 9am. We had to leave the room so the BM could get a few stitches. I got a band matching the baby's so I went to the nursery with baby and SW and Ross followed. We told the SW our concerns and she said she was going to talk to BM after the procedure. So, while the SW talked to the BM I fell asleep in the chair with baby. I never called her mine and Ross' chosen girl name because it didn't fit. The SW came back in and I could tell baby was hungry. I wanted to feed her so bad but BM wanted her nursed. So we brought baby back in to BM. The SW talked to us a little more in the hall. She told us that BM wanted weekly skype calls and to visit in a month. We said that was fine. SW said that BM is solid and she doesn't see BM backing down. BM is strong. I looked at the SW in the eyes and said. "What I see happening is that the family coming here and using BM's 2year old daughter to get BM to change her mind." SW- "oh no... I don't think that at all. BM is strong. Her daughter is just coming in with the family. That doesn't worry me. BM knows that keeping the baby is the selfish thing to do because she cannot provide for the baby like you can. Her mom, dad, and 2 brothers live with her now in the two bedroom apartment." Well, the SW tried to go in the room and someone said nursing so the SW came back out. Since I had been in before when she was nursing I walked in the curtain blocking the view and asked if I could get my purse. I saw a lactation specialist helping BM to nurse. This is where I should have looked at the BM and said if you are not in tell us now and we will leave. I didn't. Like I said before, when you want something so bad you can become someone you don't recognize or someone that just continues to get beaten down.
Ross and I went outside for a bit. We needed air. I tried to call my mom and she didn't answer so I called my sister. I talked to Kim for a bit and cried. I didn't feel good about any part of the situation. I was worried. Everyone said it is normal. They all supported us the best that they knew how. We went back in to the room. We held the baby more. Ross held her and I took more pictures. SW brought us food. I ordered for all of us. I filled out the stork dinner menu. They let all three of us order to celebrate. BM's family was coming and she wanted her alone time. I didn't blame her because that would be awkward for us. Especially that they found out she was pregnant that morning.
The hospital was going to find us a room to stay when we got back, but I didn't think BM would let us keep baby in our room, so we decided to get a hotel room to take a nap and then I would stay at the hospital with BM and baby. We took a nap and the SW called to verify info for the paper work. We showered and went back to the hospital. I asked the nurse to check the room to see if her family was still in there. She came back and said that there was a lady in there. My reply was that it was probably her mom and the nurse said I don't think so. She told us to wait in the waiting room. I should have known that the nurse was trying to tell us something. When she said it wasn't her mom I thought it was the social worker. As the SW came out into the main lobby to see us she sat down. Her words were "She changed her mind."
All I could say was I knew it, I knew it. The SW said she tried to get her to not change her mind. That's when I felt like a whore. Like we are in the business of selling ourselves to get a baby. I looked at Ross and said I think my jacket is in the room. I asked the SW to go get it and she said that the BM should tell us herself why she changed her mind. The SW went back in, sent the baby to the nursery and sent me a text. Ross and I walked down to the room. My head on his shoulder his arm around me and both crying. I was crying so hard I could hardly breath. We went into the room and all she said was sorry. Ross said "we are too". I looked at her and got out the words that I will continue to pray for her and her baby. The SW asked if there were questions. We could only shake our head no. The SW asked BM to tell us what changed her mind. Guess what? I was correct. When BM's 2 year old came in she said look at my sister and kissed the baby on the head. Now the BM had the excuse she needed to not feel like she was selfish. She could use it as not letting her 2 year old hurt. Before we left I took off my hospital band and said I don't know what I would do in your shoes. Put the band on the table and walked out. The SW asked if we needed anything. We said no and they watched us leave. The nurse met us in the hall and hugged me. I cried on her shoulder. That was what I needed. A stranger to look at me and just give me a hug. When we walked outside I feel to the ground in tears and agony. I blamed God for letting this perfect situation turn so bad. For putting us in this place. Ross practically dragged me to the car. I don't car how many people saw me. It didn't matter.
We had text family and a few friends. We asked to get the word out and didn't want to be messaged back. We got to our room and bawled. I had enough courage to post on fb. I was tired of all the happiness. I was mad that I am infertile. I was mad that we have been waiting for so long and it slapped us in the face. I didn't want to look at Ross because I am the reason why we cannot have biological children. Finally, after an hour or more we were able to sit up and breath. We weren't hungry, but we didn't want to just sit and mourn in the hotel room. We prayed so much and are actually very blessed because we started to look at some positives pretty fast. We went out to eat at Roadhouse Grill. Remember how I said Ross is a penny pincher? Well, we decided that money didn't matter. We were going all out. I never order ribs, but this time I was going to order a half a rack. The server got to our table to take our order and I proudly say that I wanted a half a rack of ribs. He said I am so sorry, but we are completely out of ribs and I should have told you that when you first sat down. I started bawling and put the menu in front of my face. Once again I wanted something that I couldn't have. Now looking back it was just ribs and the server probably felt awful, but to me then it wasn't about the ribs. I ordered the first thing I saw. Shredded pork. When he asked how it was I laughed and said it would be better on the bones. With both of us getting a meal and a huge drink- our hotel was within walking distance- our bill was $42 with tip. We don't even know how to go crazy when we let ourselves. Which in itself is pretty funny.
In every situation I think about how can I grow, change, and learn, but most of all how can I use my experience to help others? While I was in California I was having a hard time trying to figure out what to do with my life. I feel as though if I don't teach with my degree then it is useless, but I really don't want to teach. I looked into returning to my Master in Student Development in Higher Education at Azusa Pacific University. When I left I knew that they had the same program, but available in distant learning. I looked online, but didn't see the program. I have wanted to get my MSW (Master's of Social Work) for a long time. Ross and I were looking into the program and figured in the hopefully not too distant future I could begin the program. After everything that happened this has encouraged me to get my MSW. I want to be that SW that returns calls. That hugs the adoptive parents. That cries during happy and sad times. I want to be the one that is up at midnight talking on the phone with the adoptive parents who are nervous and driving all through the night into the unknown. I want to be the one that when adoptive parents text me at 6pm to tell me that the BM changed her mind calling the Adoptees crying with them. Not the one who texts back 3 hours later saying "I am so sorry. If you need me I can come by and talk tomorrow". I want to look the AP in the eyes and say "you know what... I am not going to tell you that this is a solid deal. That the BM isn't going to change her mind. She might, and this situation sucks. I have been in your shoes".
We need someone out there for us. For the ones who don't go home with a baby. For the ones who have fund raisers to get a baby. The ones who don't turn off their phone because they just might get that call. The ones who some days just don't want to be around people with kids, but still do. Who their friends call when they need something because they don't have kids and they can drop everything to help out their friends. The women who look at their husbands and can't give them a child that looks like them. The ones who get ask "why won't you try everything in your power to have your own child"? (I hate that question). The ones who are the best Aunts in the world. Who go to their friend's kids birthday parties with gifts. Who throw baby showers with a smile on their face making sure the mother enjoys every moment and then goes home and cries. Who people don't want to tell that they are pregnant because of hurting their feelings. Or the one that gets left out of the pregnancy details because they are being "protected." I want to be there for those couple, those women, and those families.
I keep thinking that we were suppose to be in the BM's life for a reason. I keep thinking that maybe we had an impact on her life, but maybe that is the wrong and selfish way to look at the situation. Maybe we were impacted by her. This isn't part of God's plan. God never planned sin. God does not want us sitting around and mourning forever either. How can I glorify God through all of my hurts? If I don't use my pain to glorify God then I all I got from the situation was pain. I don't want to live my life like that. How miserable.
I feel sorry for the baby. I feel sorry for the BM. There is so much I wish I would have said. She told us sorry for wasting our time. I wish I would have said that time isn't the issue. I wish she knew what she did. How she played with our hearts. I didn't want to be mean. I wanted to show her that through all the pain and the hurt I wasn't going to sink to her level and say mean things to her. Their wasn't any use for harsh words.
That baby wasn't ours. We now have to update our home study and our profile book because it is almost been a year of waiting. Who knows how much longer we have to wait. Who knows if we will ever get the 5 kids that I want. All I know is that in everything I do I need to give glory to God. I am not in control of this situation, but I can control what I do with my hurt.
In life there are mountains and valleys. This here has been a roller coaster through them. I do know without the valleys you don't enjoy the beauty of the mountains. Thanks to fundraisers, family, friends, and strangers our baby account is full. Adoption has so many costs that are not part of what you pay the agency, but we have enough to pay the agency. So, when the time comes we are ready. I only pray that we are not jaded by this situation and we are able to enjoy the next. As many doubts as I have I still like to believe there will be a next.
I write this to heal. Not to complain, but to help. To help myself and maybe someone else who might experience the same thing. I am only a sinful human. I will never be perfect and never claim to me. All I claim to be is loved by God, and saved by Jesus.
Well, a week ago yesterday Ross and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I got back from California the day before. Austin, our oldest nephew, stayed 2 and half weeks with us. It was a blast, but tiring. When Ross gave me my anniversary gift of a 2 night stay in a cabin, I welcomed it. A break is what I was so excited about. Not just any break, a break with my husband.
Thursday, July 11 (our anniversary) I woke up still exhausted. The past month had been very busy with company and travel. There seemed to have no break, but it was tons of fun. So, I laid around the house until I had to pack and get ready for our trip to the cabin. Ross and I love riding bikes, so we loaded up the bikes in the truck and packed the truck full of our belongings. As soon as we got in the truck Ross told me that he had just found out that there was no cell or internet service at the cabin. Normally that would be a welcomed bonus, but being on the adoption waiting list that instantly became a stress. I hurried and got on my phone and sent an email to our social worker and to my mom. I had to figure out a way that we could be reached. I sent the address to my mom and sister. I gave our SW (social worker) a phone number to call and they would be able to find us. Still a little stressed we continued on our way. A little down the road from our house we discovered that we forgot to bring games. So, we turned around and got games at our house. (In the time line of events this is one of those unplanned things that added to our "This is suppose to happen" excitement). We continued on our merry way to Costco to fill up with gas and get movie tickets for our movie date with Natalie (our 13 year old "adopted" daughter who has wonderful parents and family, but is the middle child and would prefer to be the only child and the center of the world, so she considers herself our test dummy) on Sunday. Then we spent time in Barnes and Nobles because my parents got me addicted to a new game and I had to get it to play it with Ross. Afterward, we started to head off to dinner, but it was really early. I wasn't hungry yet, so I asked if it would be fine to go into Hobby Lobby to pick up items for the baby shower I am hosting on the 27th. So we did. Ross was getting grouchy, and me being a little stressed about no cell service and tired from all the travel, I took it personal. He gets a little short tempered any time money is being spent and I like to spend money. Ross tells me that he skipped lunch and is just really hungry. We make our purchases and get into the truck. Taking everything personal gets me upset with Ross and we have a "discussion" in the truck for a bit before heading off to dinner. Mind you it isn't even 5:00. We get to dinner and have a lovely dinner. Ross starts to feel better. I think it helps because we had a gift card for the place that he took me for dinner and he only had to spend a nominal amount out of pocket. I am not implying that Ross is a penny pincher. Ok, I am. Since our anniversary is on 7/11 it is a must to get a free slurpee (we have yet to have one on our anniversary). So we begin to drive to find a 7/11. Neither one of us is hungry for one, but it is the idea of a free slurpee that drives us to try and find one. If you know me, I LOVE free. I always have. Free is almost an obsession with me. It can be the worst item, but if it is free than I have to have it. We drive 5 mins and then realize that the closest 7-11 is 10 miles our of the way. we decide that it isn't worth it and we just want to get to the cabin.
We continue to the cabin. On our way we lose cell service and then make it to the tiny town of Horseshoe Bend where we get cell service and my phone rings. It is the adoption agency. I answer the phone and it is our SW. Ross pulls over to the side of the rode and I put the phone on speaker phone. She tells us that we have been chosen and the birth mom is due on the 16th (I thought she said 15th, so I told everyone 15th, but discovered later that I was wrong). She repeats it again... "this isn't picked to meet, so she can make her final decision. It is "you are chosen. You have been matched. You have a baby coming soon." She gives us the info to make sure we are ok with the mother's requests- 3-4 mailings from us a year, 1-2 visits a year, and that she is able to send gifts. We say of course and want to scream "whatever she wants is fine with us. We will do whatever". When you are unable to have biological children and want to grow your family so badly you almost will do anything to get a child. On a small scale it is like a child in a candy or toy store. The find something they want and make all sorts of promises if you get it for them. The biggest difference is that this is life we are talking about and adults who make a promise and no matter how much it inconveniences their life it doesn't matter and they will make the sacrifice. We continue to talk to our SW and plan to call her the following day and tell her that we will call the birth mom at 3:00 on Saturday. During our conversation we found out the the BM (birth mom) lives about 6 hours away from us and planned on delivering 5 hours away from us... Ok- 5 hours and 9 mins according to google maps. Not that I had it memorized. After ugly crying and calling our parents and siblings we headed to the cabin. The whole way checking to see if there is cell service. Minutes after Horseshoe Bend we lost cell service. The little town before the cabin had very little cell service, but enough to be able to call our SW the following day.
The cabin was so nice and peaceful. The wonderful owners had champagne waiting for us and a card. We had more than just our anniversary to celebrate- our family was growing! We sat on the couch talking full of smiles. Since the gender was unknown we made lists of names. I am a list maker, so we continued to make lists. Lists of what we needed to buy, who we needed to call, etc. Then we played our game and watched a movie. Before we knew it, it was 12:00am and we went to bed.
I woke up early. I laid in bed and tried to read. How could I focus on anything but the baby? So, I got out of bed, turned on the tv, and made more lists. I might have list issues. HAHA. On the Today Show they were talking about labor and delivery. How long does a mother go over her due date before she is induced. All that information that I thought I needed to know. I look at my calendar and realize that the 16th is only days away and we are out of cell phone range and do not have internet. I begin to stress and tell Ross that I think we should go home. He asks if I would be ok with getting a bike ride or hike in or if we should just get going. I don't answer, which gives him his answer and after he eats breakfast the car is quickly packed and we head down the mountain to Babies R Us. With the help of my sister Kim on the internet looking up ratings and reviews we pick out the perfect car seat and stroller. Ross cringes, but with a smile at the cost and we head home. When we get home we don't waste time unpacking. I hurry and get out all of the baby items that people have given us that we had hidden away. Go through the clothes to find newborn clothes. We call a few people. Ross has to make arrangements for the backup Pastor to go to National Synodical Convention because Ross was the delegate. He was so excited to go, but this was way more important. We talk to our SW and she tells us that the SW in eastern Idaho said that this is the ideal BM. That she is confident in this adoption. Our SW helps calms our nerves about the call we are going to make to the BM the next day and tells us to call her after we are done with the call.
The next day Shandee, Natalie, and I go shopping. My mom and both sisters put some money together so we can get the necessities. I am calm, but my brain is in a fog. Items are thrown into the cart and bought. We go from store to store trying to get the perfect items for baby Shaver. We find take home baby outfits and towels and blankets and and and.... When we get home I quickly get everything in the wash. We call the BM and she doesn't answer, but we were warned that she might not answer. So we call her back at 4 and she answers. We had a great conversation. We felt connected. We felt confident. Something we didn't think we would feel. So, we tell family and friends and prepare to tell the church the next day. We threatened everyone enough that no one put it on facebook- well, dad's message was only up for minutes.
Church on Sunday went off beautifully. Natalie's real mom and sister were there to support us as we told the church. We were really grateful. At the end of church during announcements Linda presented us with the check from the Chili cook-off and then we shocked the whole congregation by telling them our news. We were getting a baby. After church everyone hugged us and cried with me. So much joy. Prayers had been answered and everyone was happy. People were already planning showers and excitement took over all of us.
We spent the rest of the day with what has been come to be known as our crazy family- Ross, me, Shandee, and of course, Natalie. We went out to lunch and then the movies. Ross and I stayed up late. Too excited to sleep. I got the rest of my stuff packed. The baby's bags were packed and Ross was packed.
Monday came and my friend Amanda came and got me to do a little more shopping and enjoy a nice lunch at Olive Garden. At lunch I decided to text the BM to just say hi and we are praying for her. She responded right away. I didn't want to bombard her with text messages, so I didn't reply until after we talked to our SW and she encouraged me to keep the dialog open. Remember earlier on when we talked to our SW on Friday and she told us to call her after talk to the BM the next day? I forgot to mention earlier that we called and left a message with her. We asked her to call us back later that night of the next day. Well, Sunday night we still had not heard from her and we started to call her around 7 but had received a text from her that said "Sorry I didn't get your call, my phone was at home all day"- this was talking about the day before. What if I had been a distressed BM? First negative in whole slew of lack of support that is to come. Anyway, for hours on Monday night BM and I sent text messages back and forth. Getting to know each other and building up our relationship. Still filled with excitement Ross and I decided to head up for bed. We got all ready and laid in bed for a moment before receiving the message that we had been waiting for. It was time. She was in labor and there was no time to get to the Rexburg, ID hospital. This baby was coming and she had to go to the community hospital. Ross and I were in the car in 15 mins. I should mention that our car was packed and had a full tank of gas with the car seat correctly installed thanks to Ross. While I was out with my friend he was getting things ready for us at home.
When I got in the car I called out SW. I of course woke her up because it was after midnight. I told her that we were headed to Driggs, ID because BM is in labor and baby is coming. She asked if eastern Idaho SW knew that baby was coming and I said I don't know, but someone needs to be there with the BM and we aren't going to make it in time. Her reply- "ok I will text ____" My thought... text? Seriously? Text? I didn't say anything but ok. She said to be safe. Ross and I are on the road calling and texting family to let them know it is go time. We went from a 5hour 9min drive to a 6hour 13min drive. The first part is full of excitement and the unknown. I was so worried the BM was alone. I was worried to death for her. As the drive went on we received sporadic text massages. I messaged our SW asking if she had heard from the other SW. The only communication we had was from the BM. We finally got a message saying its a girl. Something happened to me at that moment. It was like I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't want to believe it. The messages from BM were short. I told myself that it was because she was tired and now occupied.
We kept driving and then received a message from BM saying that they were moving her to Idaho Falls, ID because the Driggs hospital wasn't equipped for labor and delivery. Our drive was less now. That cut an hour off of our drive. We made it to the hospital. We beat her to the hospital, so we decided to find a place open at 5am to get flowers to give to the BM. Thank goodness for Walmart. We went back to the hospital and she still wasn't there. We sat in the waiting room. Both exhausted. Finally we she arrived and wanted us in the room. When we got in the room there was no SW. No SW had contacted us or her. BM was nursing baby. The agency had said that was normal so I kept reminding myself that it was normal. BM asked if we had a name. We told her our girl name. I asked if she liked it and she said yes. We sat staring. Tears coming down my face and my heart dropping. I knew and didn't want to know. She asked if I wanted to burp her. I held her in my arms. I rubbed her back and held the baby that was suppose to be ours. I did everything in my power to make sure the BM was comfortable. I made sure she had everything she needed. I jumped if she moved. She was giving us the greatest gift ever and I wanted to take care of her. I am a nurturer any way, so I wanted to make her comfortable.
The SW finally came after 9am. We had to leave the room so the BM could get a few stitches. I got a band matching the baby's so I went to the nursery with baby and SW and Ross followed. We told the SW our concerns and she said she was going to talk to BM after the procedure. So, while the SW talked to the BM I fell asleep in the chair with baby. I never called her mine and Ross' chosen girl name because it didn't fit. The SW came back in and I could tell baby was hungry. I wanted to feed her so bad but BM wanted her nursed. So we brought baby back in to BM. The SW talked to us a little more in the hall. She told us that BM wanted weekly skype calls and to visit in a month. We said that was fine. SW said that BM is solid and she doesn't see BM backing down. BM is strong. I looked at the SW in the eyes and said. "What I see happening is that the family coming here and using BM's 2year old daughter to get BM to change her mind." SW- "oh no... I don't think that at all. BM is strong. Her daughter is just coming in with the family. That doesn't worry me. BM knows that keeping the baby is the selfish thing to do because she cannot provide for the baby like you can. Her mom, dad, and 2 brothers live with her now in the two bedroom apartment." Well, the SW tried to go in the room and someone said nursing so the SW came back out. Since I had been in before when she was nursing I walked in the curtain blocking the view and asked if I could get my purse. I saw a lactation specialist helping BM to nurse. This is where I should have looked at the BM and said if you are not in tell us now and we will leave. I didn't. Like I said before, when you want something so bad you can become someone you don't recognize or someone that just continues to get beaten down.
Ross and I went outside for a bit. We needed air. I tried to call my mom and she didn't answer so I called my sister. I talked to Kim for a bit and cried. I didn't feel good about any part of the situation. I was worried. Everyone said it is normal. They all supported us the best that they knew how. We went back in to the room. We held the baby more. Ross held her and I took more pictures. SW brought us food. I ordered for all of us. I filled out the stork dinner menu. They let all three of us order to celebrate. BM's family was coming and she wanted her alone time. I didn't blame her because that would be awkward for us. Especially that they found out she was pregnant that morning.
The hospital was going to find us a room to stay when we got back, but I didn't think BM would let us keep baby in our room, so we decided to get a hotel room to take a nap and then I would stay at the hospital with BM and baby. We took a nap and the SW called to verify info for the paper work. We showered and went back to the hospital. I asked the nurse to check the room to see if her family was still in there. She came back and said that there was a lady in there. My reply was that it was probably her mom and the nurse said I don't think so. She told us to wait in the waiting room. I should have known that the nurse was trying to tell us something. When she said it wasn't her mom I thought it was the social worker. As the SW came out into the main lobby to see us she sat down. Her words were "She changed her mind."
All I could say was I knew it, I knew it. The SW said she tried to get her to not change her mind. That's when I felt like a whore. Like we are in the business of selling ourselves to get a baby. I looked at Ross and said I think my jacket is in the room. I asked the SW to go get it and she said that the BM should tell us herself why she changed her mind. The SW went back in, sent the baby to the nursery and sent me a text. Ross and I walked down to the room. My head on his shoulder his arm around me and both crying. I was crying so hard I could hardly breath. We went into the room and all she said was sorry. Ross said "we are too". I looked at her and got out the words that I will continue to pray for her and her baby. The SW asked if there were questions. We could only shake our head no. The SW asked BM to tell us what changed her mind. Guess what? I was correct. When BM's 2 year old came in she said look at my sister and kissed the baby on the head. Now the BM had the excuse she needed to not feel like she was selfish. She could use it as not letting her 2 year old hurt. Before we left I took off my hospital band and said I don't know what I would do in your shoes. Put the band on the table and walked out. The SW asked if we needed anything. We said no and they watched us leave. The nurse met us in the hall and hugged me. I cried on her shoulder. That was what I needed. A stranger to look at me and just give me a hug. When we walked outside I feel to the ground in tears and agony. I blamed God for letting this perfect situation turn so bad. For putting us in this place. Ross practically dragged me to the car. I don't car how many people saw me. It didn't matter.
We had text family and a few friends. We asked to get the word out and didn't want to be messaged back. We got to our room and bawled. I had enough courage to post on fb. I was tired of all the happiness. I was mad that I am infertile. I was mad that we have been waiting for so long and it slapped us in the face. I didn't want to look at Ross because I am the reason why we cannot have biological children. Finally, after an hour or more we were able to sit up and breath. We weren't hungry, but we didn't want to just sit and mourn in the hotel room. We prayed so much and are actually very blessed because we started to look at some positives pretty fast. We went out to eat at Roadhouse Grill. Remember how I said Ross is a penny pincher? Well, we decided that money didn't matter. We were going all out. I never order ribs, but this time I was going to order a half a rack. The server got to our table to take our order and I proudly say that I wanted a half a rack of ribs. He said I am so sorry, but we are completely out of ribs and I should have told you that when you first sat down. I started bawling and put the menu in front of my face. Once again I wanted something that I couldn't have. Now looking back it was just ribs and the server probably felt awful, but to me then it wasn't about the ribs. I ordered the first thing I saw. Shredded pork. When he asked how it was I laughed and said it would be better on the bones. With both of us getting a meal and a huge drink- our hotel was within walking distance- our bill was $42 with tip. We don't even know how to go crazy when we let ourselves. Which in itself is pretty funny.
In every situation I think about how can I grow, change, and learn, but most of all how can I use my experience to help others? While I was in California I was having a hard time trying to figure out what to do with my life. I feel as though if I don't teach with my degree then it is useless, but I really don't want to teach. I looked into returning to my Master in Student Development in Higher Education at Azusa Pacific University. When I left I knew that they had the same program, but available in distant learning. I looked online, but didn't see the program. I have wanted to get my MSW (Master's of Social Work) for a long time. Ross and I were looking into the program and figured in the hopefully not too distant future I could begin the program. After everything that happened this has encouraged me to get my MSW. I want to be that SW that returns calls. That hugs the adoptive parents. That cries during happy and sad times. I want to be the one that is up at midnight talking on the phone with the adoptive parents who are nervous and driving all through the night into the unknown. I want to be the one that when adoptive parents text me at 6pm to tell me that the BM changed her mind calling the Adoptees crying with them. Not the one who texts back 3 hours later saying "I am so sorry. If you need me I can come by and talk tomorrow". I want to look the AP in the eyes and say "you know what... I am not going to tell you that this is a solid deal. That the BM isn't going to change her mind. She might, and this situation sucks. I have been in your shoes".
We need someone out there for us. For the ones who don't go home with a baby. For the ones who have fund raisers to get a baby. The ones who don't turn off their phone because they just might get that call. The ones who some days just don't want to be around people with kids, but still do. Who their friends call when they need something because they don't have kids and they can drop everything to help out their friends. The women who look at their husbands and can't give them a child that looks like them. The ones who get ask "why won't you try everything in your power to have your own child"? (I hate that question). The ones who are the best Aunts in the world. Who go to their friend's kids birthday parties with gifts. Who throw baby showers with a smile on their face making sure the mother enjoys every moment and then goes home and cries. Who people don't want to tell that they are pregnant because of hurting their feelings. Or the one that gets left out of the pregnancy details because they are being "protected." I want to be there for those couple, those women, and those families.
I keep thinking that we were suppose to be in the BM's life for a reason. I keep thinking that maybe we had an impact on her life, but maybe that is the wrong and selfish way to look at the situation. Maybe we were impacted by her. This isn't part of God's plan. God never planned sin. God does not want us sitting around and mourning forever either. How can I glorify God through all of my hurts? If I don't use my pain to glorify God then I all I got from the situation was pain. I don't want to live my life like that. How miserable.
I feel sorry for the baby. I feel sorry for the BM. There is so much I wish I would have said. She told us sorry for wasting our time. I wish I would have said that time isn't the issue. I wish she knew what she did. How she played with our hearts. I didn't want to be mean. I wanted to show her that through all the pain and the hurt I wasn't going to sink to her level and say mean things to her. Their wasn't any use for harsh words.
That baby wasn't ours. We now have to update our home study and our profile book because it is almost been a year of waiting. Who knows how much longer we have to wait. Who knows if we will ever get the 5 kids that I want. All I know is that in everything I do I need to give glory to God. I am not in control of this situation, but I can control what I do with my hurt.
In life there are mountains and valleys. This here has been a roller coaster through them. I do know without the valleys you don't enjoy the beauty of the mountains. Thanks to fundraisers, family, friends, and strangers our baby account is full. Adoption has so many costs that are not part of what you pay the agency, but we have enough to pay the agency. So, when the time comes we are ready. I only pray that we are not jaded by this situation and we are able to enjoy the next. As many doubts as I have I still like to believe there will be a next.
I write this to heal. Not to complain, but to help. To help myself and maybe someone else who might experience the same thing. I am only a sinful human. I will never be perfect and never claim to me. All I claim to be is loved by God, and saved by Jesus.
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