Ross talks about the journey

So I don't normally write on this, mostly because my wife pretty much says it all in her posts.  And I usually don't have much more to add that isn't just a repeat of what Kris says.  But recent events made me want to write a little as well.

I will refer to Kris' last post concerning the details of our heartbreaking situation of having a birth mom back out on the adoption after the child was born. That was not a fun time. As hard as that was, the aftermath is a different beast altogether.

Now that the situation is all over, I struggle with a whole new set of issues.  How can I support my family during this time of mourning?  I'm not asking for advice, or input, rather just saying what question I ask myself.  I know what the answer is.  The problem is not having the answer.   The problem is that I don't like the answer because I don't "feel" like it is enough.  The problem is that it takes control away from me.  The simple matter of fact is that I can't do anything to make this time easier. I can't do anything to make it hurt less. I can't do anything to grow our family. All that can be done by me, has been done, and the situation still feels lacking.

It makes me wonder, not only as an anxious wannabe father, but also as a pastor, about how I don't like not being in control. I don't like not being able to "fix" the situation. I think that is partly a guy trait, but something we all feel.  Usually though, that is comforting to me.  Usually it is nice and peaceful to think that I do all that I can, and God's takes care of the hard part, the truly important part, the messy part.  As a pastor I have the opportunity to speak to people in times of mourning and loss, but it's not too often (thank God) that I get to be that person.  I just take it day by day, trusting in the grace of God to get me and my family through.  I know that. I talk about that. I preach that.  And there is more to it than that. But if I'm honest, I don't always like having to experience "that."

I am reminded, thanks to my wonderful wife, what we pray in the Lord's Prayer, and in particular the Fourth Petition, "Give us this day our daily bread." Martin Luther gives a good, and clear, explanation of what is meant by daily bread (and one that confirmands always dread memorizing because of its length).  "Daily bread includes everything that has to do with the support and needs of the body, such as food, drink, clothing, shoes, house, home, land, animals, money, goods, a devout husband or wife, devout children, devout workers, devout and faithful rulers, good government, good weather, peace, health, self-control, good reputation, good friends, faithful neighbors, and the like."  God provides.  Like a child, I'm not always happy with what I get and/or don't get.  But God provides what I need for this day, and daily.  So, I guess that is where I am left at this moment.  Praying this prayer, mourning, and left with nowhere else to look but Jesus, the giver of all good gifts.